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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6.What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

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July_Brain_Fun_500

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Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

10. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

11. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

12. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

13. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

14. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

15. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

16. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

17. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

News Features - Funnies

PumpjackOklahoma Burglary Goes Awry, Man Dies

by: Rigzone Staff, Monday, March 12, 2012

One person died and another was injured Sunday afternoon during an attempted burglary at an Oklahoma oil field, NewsOK.com reported.

The incident occurred at the Quantum Energy-owned oil field east of Calumet. Authorities with the Canadian County Sheriff's Department said the victims were crushed by a pumpjack at the site as they were attempting to steal copper wire from the facility. Copper wire theft is a common Oklahoma oil field problem.

A nearby property owner called the sheriff after he spotted one of the victims crawling to the county road.

Authorities said the victims claimed to be oil field workers. Quantum Energy representatives said the victims were not employees of the company.

Michael Paul Cradduck, 22, died Sunday afternoon. Steven Ray Cavenee, 30, was hospitalized. Both men had previous burglary charges.

Authorities are searching for a third person that may be driving a blue sport utility vehicle.

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Brain_Fun_Brain Fun:

Neurobics™

Neurobics™ is a unique system of brain exercises using your five physical senses and your emotional sense in unexpected ways that encourage you to shake up your everyday routines. They are designed to help your brain manufacture its own nutrients that strengthen, view preserve, diagnosis and grow brain cells.

Created by Lawrence C. Katz, ed Ph.D., a professor of neurobiology at Duke University Medical Center, neurobics can be done anywhere, anytime, in offbeat, fun and easy ways. Nevertheless, these exercises can activate underused nerve pathways and connections, helping you achieve a fit and flexible mind.

Read more...

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